WARNING: Subway is not what you think it is!

 Subway: pretending to be healthy since the 90's, when Mike Myers was still relevant. 

Subway: pretending to be healthy since the 90's, when Mike Myers was still relevant. 

Would you like to be let in on a little secret? Every day millions of people buy sandwiches from Subway, and every day I would venture a guess that a high percentage of those people believe they are choosing a “healthy” fast food alternative. Did you notice I used quotations around healthy? I figured so, Massenomics fans are usually quite astute.

The use of quotations in this particular case is to denote irony. As in, it is ironic to consider Subway a healthy fast food. Now I know some of you hardcore Subway fans probably feel like I just slapped you in the face with your own footlong (I solemnly swear there was no sexual innuendo intended there).However, it is not my intention to shit on your Subway parade, but merely to help educate you in the very, very mildly entertaining way us Massenomics contributors know how.

So, here is the cold, hard, yeast filled truth about Subway: Its food is of no better quality than any other major fast food chain. Let’s take a look at a typical Subway order: first there is 12 inches of refined bread coming in at roughly a whopping 100g of carbohydrates (not including condiments, sauces, etc). Then on top of your GLUTEN GOBLIN ( OMG GLUTEN, RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!) you stack on some “high quality lunch meat”. You guys noticed the quotations again didn’t you? Keep it up and you are all well on your way to being honorary Massenomic’s professors. But I digress…… Have you ever tried the chicken at Subway? The chicken at Subway is downright haunting. I will not eat a Subway sandwich that contains chicken without being in possession of a crucifix first.

Average Subway Sandwich Ingredient Breakdown

So, after selecting the meat (crucifix in hand), you then add some cheese, a random assortment of vegetable-like toppings, and then slather it with as much full fat ranch as possible. Or, if you are like me you ask for a little bit of ranch, with an extra emphasis on little, and they for whatever reason, must always assume I am joking as they annihilate my sandwich with ranch, using equivalent forces of the CERN Hadron Collider.

This is somehow better than a Mcdouble? BUT BUT BUT, Brofessor Schanztastic, I only order 6 inch subs, with turkey, and no sauce. Well you know what, B-F- D! You can do the same type of strategy at other fast food joints. Get a plain hamburger, with lettuce, and no sauce or condiments. It is going to be of similar macronutrients and quality.

My ultimate goal here is not to hate on Subway so much as it is to get the point across that all fast food is pretty damn similar. That is why it is fast food, it is cheap, convenient, and affordable at the expense of high quality ingredients. 

When you are out for a nice little Saturday, and you are going to Home Depot to buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that, or maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, and you don’t know if you'll have enough time for it all - remember if you stop to eat at Subway, that it isn’t some superior choice to other fast food joints. It is a place you stop because of convenience, or you just really love their food (that chicken though, my god). 

The last potential reason being that you are trying to gain some mass(enomics), and you are absolutely sick of cooking and want some quick, tasty, calorically dense food. In that case, you likely already know that most fast food is of similar quality and can serve a specific purpose in helping you reach your goals.

AND REMEMBER, IT’S SCIENCE, IT’S MASSENOMICS